Written in June-July 2011.

1. Television sets have 2 settings, “off” and “full blast.”

2. Poise pads come in a variety of thicknesses.

3. Staff members are undoubtedly underpaid.

4. Accessible showers leave puddles all over the bathroom floor.

5. Seventy-eight degrees is an acceptable room temperature. Even warmer is better.

6. The stereo in the lobby should not play “Don’t Get Around Much Anymore,” even if it is an old standard.

7. If you let Mom pick the lunch location, she will pick the Chinese buffet, although you were just there two days ago.

8. Next time rent a sedan. Getting Mom in and out of sister’s Hummer is difficult and undignified.

9. Even though Mom has not had a valid driver’s license for 6-7 years now, she is still a skilled backseat-driver.

10. Dollar GENERAL and Dollar TREE are two unique shopping experiences and are not interchangeable.

11.It is acceptable to walk out of a restaurant once you realize it does not serve breakfast around the clock. Plus it was too dark in there, anyway.

12. A nap in the afternoon is beneficial for all ages.

13. No matter how tired you are, you are never too tired to stop and buy a lottery ticket.

14.Red jello snack packs go in the cupboard, not the mini-fridge, because jello is best at room temperature.

15. Even a man in his 80s will do that sneaky guy thing and look at a woman from toe to head to toe.

16. When the nurses tell you your mom is a sweet lady, just smile. A closed-lipped smile, so they can’t see your clenched teeth.

17. Do not listen to the Broadway Channel on the car radio–you will hear “Sunrise, Sunset” and “Circle of Life” and will get teary and be unable to drive safely.

18. When a man wearing only Depends and a tee comes to stand by you as you work on a puzzle, simply answer him politely, pray a nurse finds him soon, and absolutely do not look directly at any part of him.

19. Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

1. Prom Committee

2. Prim and Proper Committee

3. Fellowship of Christian Athletes

4. Fellowship of Pagan Couch Potatoes

5. Academic Team

6. Apoplectic Team

7. Queer and Ally Club

8. Young-People-Who-Are-Non-Judgmental-And-Accepting-Of-All Club

9. Farm Club

10. Be Careful Where You Step Club

11. Young Republicans and Conservatives Club

12. Future Survivors of the Trump Era Club

13. Key Club

14. Brie Club

15. Latinos Unidos

16. Bambinos in Speedos

17. Habitat for Humanity Club

18. A Respite from the Insanity Club

19. I-Joined-This-Club-Because-It’s-Going-To-Look-Good-On-My-College-Application Club

20. Students United to Promote Teacher Appreciation Club

1. “Even if I weren’t her mommy, I would vouch for my princess’s  character.”
2. “He is my favorite child for a reason, and I think he could soon become your favorite employee.”
3. “My Husband and I invested about $100,000 on her education, so she probably has picked up some marketable skills along the way, wouldn’t you think?”
4. “Please try to remember what you felt like when you were fresh out of grad school and looking for a job.  Be kind and gentle.”
5. “She is extremely well-organized.  Why, I remember how she would line up her horse figurines so neatly on her bedroom shelf…”
6. “He is extremely loyal.  Why, I remember when his baby brother swung a toy light saber at him and chipped his front tooth. Even that did not stop this young man from always protecting his baby brother.”
7. “I really want her to fully move out because I need her bedroom for my new home gym.  You wouldn’t want my impending potential cardiac issues on your conscience now, would you?”
8. “He will always show up to work neatly dressed.  I taught him how to fold his laundry, plus when he left for college I bought him an iron and an ironing board, which I am pretty sure he has used at least twice a year since then.”
9. “If you have doubts about her talent, I can show you years’ worth of art work that I have framed and hanging in my hallway, not to mention the stuff hanging on the refrigerator.”
10. “My boy is such a hard worker. And a self-starter.  And so dedicated. He never needed to be reminded to take out the trash, and oh, he did a great job setting up our compost container and our recycling bins.”
11. “Just look at that adorable face!”

 

 

1. Both wanted free access to a device I depend upon daily.

2. Both were bothering me with multiple encounters.

3. Both were tenacious as hell.

4. Both were pissing me off.

5. Neither ones were native speakers of English.

6. Neither ones were phased by my yelling at them in Polish.

7. The scammers wanted to fix my laptop’s bugs, and ants ARE bugs.

8. Both thought I was stupid enough to let them take advantage of me.

9. I want all of them to meet a slow, painful end…but the ants were the only ones I could poison.

10. I want to squash all of them dead.

1. The Labor Day weekend went by in a blur.

2. I have put away my white shoes until next Easter.

3. I have grown weary of my brightly-colored summer wardrobe.

4. My students are finally settling in to a routine.

5. Every morning, the front yard is filled with icky, sticky spider webs.

6. My weekly produce delivery now contains squash.

7. My husband has begun to complain about squash at every supper.

8. Sam’s Club has run out of cases of Sam Adam’s Summer Ale…..but has plenty of cases of Octoberfest beer, which helps the squash casserole go down easier.

9. The charges for College Boy’s textbooks have appeared on my credit card statement.

10. I have begun my Christmas shopping.

11. I am debating whether it’s too early to put out the Halloween decorations.

12. Pumpkin spice is back!  Pumpkin spice coffee, pumpkin spice ice cream, pumpkin spice cider, pumpkin spice yogurt, pumpkin spice cookies, pumpkin spice donuts, pumpkin spice granola…you get the picture.

13. It’s marching band season!

1. “Yes, you may go to fill up your water bottle.”

2. “Please stop using the F-word.”

3. “We are having a lockdown drill this morning.  Please take this seriously. Here is our classroom procedure…”

4. “You can plug your laptop into the power strip at the back of the room.”

5. “Please turn down the volume of your music.  Yes, I know you are using ear buds, but I can still hear it.”

6. “I am waiting for YouTube to load so I can play the morning announcements for you.”

7. “The principal just tweeted out a great message.”

8. “Put your phone in the silent mode, please.”

9. “Can you email your math teacher to see if he has an extra book for you?”

10. “I don’t mind if you take a power nap in study hall but please don’t snore.”

11. “Is that a fresh tattoo?”

12. “It doesn’t matter if you are 18–you still have to follow the attendance rules.”

13. “The bottle of hand sanitizer is on the desk.”

14. “I like your nose ring. My daughter wears a silver one like that, too.”