Things My 92-Year-Old Mother And I Discussed During The Course Of My Four-Day Visit, The List:

~ monicalists

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  1. Items Mama won at BINGO games at the nursing home.  (Sometimes the prize is a nickel, or a bottle of 7-Up.  The other day she won a small package of crackers and a Hershey bar, and she insisted that I take both of them.)
  2. Items that have gone missing from Mama’s room. (“You better take put these crackers and this Hershey bar in your purse now, because if the nurses see them, they will take them.”)
  3. Female residents of the home who do not wear bras. (“Their breasts just hang there in front of them, like droopy old bags.”)
  4. The current ripped jeans fashion trend. (“And here’s my granddaughter to visit me.  She’s wearing a nice purple top, but her jeans?  Full of holes!  Big, gaping holes.  It’s disrespectful to me, really it is, when she shows up dressed like that.”)
  5. My fashion choices. (“Isn’t that scarf too shiny?”)
  6. The adaptability of my fashion choices. (“Why are you wearing short sleeves in November?” “Because, Mama, you keep your room way too warm for me.” “Oh no, it’s just right in here.  Put your long-sleeved sweater back on. It looks better.”)
  7. The accuracy of the lunch tab. (“Did the waitress charge you the right amount for my soup?”)
  8. The affordability of the lunch tab. (“Do you have enough money to pay for my lunch?” “Yes, Mama, I have enough.” “Because you just spent all that money on airfare.” “Really, Mama, I insist.”)
  9. The palatability of the Greek food I ordered for my lunch at the diner.  (“It’s pastichio, Mama, kind of a Greek-style lasagna.” “I wouldn’t eat it.”)
  10. The palatability of the liver and onions Mama ordered for her lunch. (“I enjoyed that meal.  Liver is good for you.  I feel stronger already.”)
  11. The innate ability of males to fix household items. (“The umbrella is broken.” “Oh, let’s see if there’s a man around to fix it.” “Mama, I don’t need a man to tell me that this umbrella cannot be fixed. I am just going to get another one at Dollar General.” “No, wait, maybe we can find a man to look at it.”)
  12. The abundance of retail stores. (“Park near here, by the Kohl’s sign.”  “Mama, that’s just the sign.  The actual Kohl’s is further back.” “Are you sure? I think the Kohl’s is here.” “No, look, there it is, toward the back of the parking lot.” “Well, they must have two Kohl’s in this shopping center. It is a popular store, you know.”)
  13. My ability to be a grown-up. (“Is there enough gas in the tank?” and “Are you going the right way to the restaurant?” and “Did you lock the car?” and “Did you remember to take your purse?”)
  14. My ability to be a grown-up who travels. (“Just don’t fall asleep at the gate and miss your flight,” and “Are you sure your husband knows when to pick you up from the airport?”)
  15. The necessity of a happy ending to every story. (“He doesn’t love her enough.  He’s going to let her go without a fight.” “Mama, it’s a Christmas movie on the Hallmark Channel.  They are going to reconcile and live happily ever after.”)
  16. The necessity of fulfilling responsibilities. (“I know you have a job and a husband and children back in Virginia.  I know you need to go back, but I wish you could stay with me.”)

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