WANTED FOR BEING ON SANTA’S NAUGHTY LIST :

                             THE PAWINSKI-PERICAK GANG

 

CHRISTOPHER PERICAK

Aliases include: Chris, Dad, Chrissy Honey.

Last seen: Slaving over a hot computer keyboard, working to keep America free.

Also seen: In March, in Ottawa, Canada, working with our allies to keep America free.

Offenses include: Cursing while putting up Christmas lights; spending long hours working on his model railroad; listening to Mid-week Motorsports, The Week in IndyCar, and Dinner with Racers podcasts.

May be dangerous: Can drink several bourbon-spiked eggnogs in a row and still hold his own in a discussion.

 

MONICA PAWINSKI

Aliases include: Mom, Momma Monica, The General.

Last seen: Working at the high school in the mornings, wrapping Christmas gifts in the evenings.

Also seen: In April, in Bermuda, with partner-in-crime, Chris (see above).  Pair were observed frolicking in the ocean, spotting sea turtles, parasailing over the clear blue waters, drinking rum cocktails, exploring historic districts, dining al fresco, and watching practice runs of the sailboats in the 2017 America’s Cup.

Offenses include: Neglecting housework to instead spend weekends away from home (with Chris) visiting museums, fine restaurants, breweries, and wineries; finding ways to combine weekends away with visits to offspring.

May be dangerous:  Will stab white supremacists, misogynists, and anyone else disturbing the peace in her beloved Charlottesville with the crochet hook she uses to make pink hats for her friends.

 

ANDREW PERICAK

Aliases include: Ders, @andrewpericak on Twitter, the Principal Horn, Tired.

Last seen: In Durham, North Carolina, in an old textile warehouse         owned by Duke University, publishing science policy analyses to SciPol.org. Also leading local efforts to resist a certain “presidential” administration.

Also seen: A bit too frequently on Long Island, New York (known foolishly to locals as “Strong Island”), to visit partner Emily’s family or to attend her friends’ weddings.

Offenses include: Being overtly snobby about craft beer; talking to Emily too frequently about Sports; consuming an inhuman amount of biscuits and pimento cheese, sometimes simultaneously.

May be dangerous: Known ally, Lentil (a cat; also known as “Lil’ Lent” and “Jelly Belly”), has razor-sharp claws and deploys them with extreme prejudice. Including on her humans.

 

MADELINE PERICAK

Aliases include:  Maddie, Tasting Room Manager, “The Bartender”.

Last seen:  Giving facility tours, conducting private tastings, and pouring cider for visitors at Blue Bee Cider in Richmond, Virginia.

Also seen: In various cafes while editing videos for up-and-coming musicians; doing art-related side-projects in her studio aka apartment; attending club concerts in Washington, DC.

Offenses include: (Un)intentionally getting strangers tipsy; playing music too loudly at Blue Bee; valuing art over sleep; bragging about being a woman in a woman-led business; calling out people on their outdated political views.

May be dangerous: Can lift 40lb keg to throw at enemies.

 

PHILIP PERICAK

Aliases include: Phil, PHIL!, “The Beatboxer”.

Last seen: Studying intensively for final exams at Christopher Newport University; furiously filling out applications for study abroad in Australia.

Also seen: In May, hiking for 15 days on the Appalachian Trail in Virginia and Tennessee with classmates; winning the campus acapella/beatbox battle; locked away in his hideout producing electronic dance music.

Offenses include:  Drumming too loudly; beatboxing during tests; spending weeknights driving around Virginia Beach; going broke from buying HotWheels cars (how old is he now?).               

May be dangerous:  Highly active on four hours of sleep a night;      carries two metal, pointed hiking poles; makes strange and confusing noises with his mouth.