1. If you as a parent propose an idea (“Hey, look, the university is offering class credit for hiking! And it counts toward your major!”), be prepared to pay for it.  All of it.

2. The lighter the tent is in weight, the higher the tent is in price.

3. The lighter the sleeping bag is in weight, the higher the sleeping bag is in price.

4. All that camping gear we bought for all those Boy Scout camping experiences?  Hopelessly outdated. Apparently the technology that goes into making camping gear evolves as quickly as generations of iPhones.

5. A one-person cooking “stove” can be made with a Pepsi can and foil. And the fuel is a $1.77 bottle of HEET from the auto supply store.

6. Salespeople at camping supply stores have many personal adventures to share, and they expect you to listen to at least a few of them.

7. A bag of trail mix has a surprisingly high number of calories, and an alarmingly high number of fat grams.

8. Even though the recommended supply list includes needle and thread, apparently duct tape can better solve any wardrobe malfunction.

9. Packaged tuna comes in at least 8 different flavors.

10. Oatmeal with added soy powder is quite palatable.

11. One bottle of ultra-concentrated soap can be used for laundry, dishes, shampoo, and body wash.

12. Yes, foldable mini-shovels to help you bury, er, body waste, are an actual thing!

13.  The lure of the mountains is strong enough that even a 20 year old male will happily abandon over two weeks of access to social media, clean clothes, and hot showers.

    

1. Bermuda shorts were designed to be cool and comfortable.

2. Bermuda shorts are made of high-quality linen or cotton, so proving that natural fibers are the best.

3. Bermuda shorts are meant to be pleated and pressed, so the wearer does not look like a slob.

4. Bermuda shorts are appropriate business attire–when paired with jacket and tie–in some parts of the world.  And jackets and ties make men look handsome.

5. Bermuda shorts–when paired with jacket and tie–are apparently dressy enough for formal occasions, such as meeting the Queen when she visits the British Overseas Territory of Bermuda.

6. Bermuda shorts are often worn with dark dress socks and dress shoes, and yet no one mocks the men wearing them.

7. Bermuda shorts come in a rainbow of colors, and the pastels are hugely popular. And men who choose to wear pastels are obviously very secure in their sexuality.

8. Did I mention that Bermuda shorts are well-tailored and well-fitted? This is a fashion statement that I can easily get “behind,” if you know what I mean.

9. Did I mention that Bermuda shorts have hems that end above the knee?  Hey, there’s nothing whatsoever wrong with showing off a pair of well-shaped calves.

10. Husband bought a crisp linen pair in a lovely coral color.  Best Bermuda souvenir ever, from my point of view.

 

1.  “We had an early supper, so I am just going to enjoy being alone in my hotel room.”

2.  “We had the cutest waitress taking care of us today.  She was so bubbly!  She was probably our daughter’s age.  Wow, she was just so cute.”

3. “I didn’t buy you anything, so is that OK?  I mean, you have been to Canada several times before, and you probably don’t want maple sugar candy anyhow.  Right?”

4. “We had supper at this cozy micro-brewery.  I had this amazing stout, with just a hint of coffee flavor.   You would have loved it.”

5. “I had a shot of maple-flavored whiskey this evening.  You would have loved it.”

6. “For our appetizer, we ordered bacon strips, and they were coated in maple syrup and peanuts.  So good!  You would have loved it.”

7. “I paid for my supper with my own credit card, not the company credit card.  I spent alot, so expect to see that charge on our statement.”

8. “You ate scrambled eggs for dinner?  What, are you dieting or something?”

9. “I saw a snow squall this morning.  Big fat flakes. And there’s still snow on the ground here.” 

10. “They are expecting a snowstorm here on Friday morning, right as I am leaving, but it should be safe to travel.  I hope.”

 

 

FLASHBACK TO 2010-2011 school year. 

1. Remember that you were a political science major and that Son will grow frustrated if you explain civics-class-related concepts in too much depth. Sigh. Sometimes repetition is the way he will learn, e.g. sing the Preamble song over and over, like a Schoolhouse Rock recording in a continuous loop.

2. Suggest Son should wear a nice pink button-down shirt for Picture Day. Encourage Son to wear a nice pink button-down shirt. Insist that Son wear a nice pink button-down shirt. Smile knowingly when Son later reports that several girls complimented him on his shirt.

3. Review algebra surreptitiously when Son is at school. Assure him later that you have not forgotten a thing and that you are amply qualified to assist with his homework.

4: Maintain composure and dignity when Younger Son asks you to define terms such as “promiscuity,” “profanity,” and “lewd sexual references.” (He’s doing a project about banned books in US schools for the Fahrenheit 451 unit.)

5: Do not get annoyed when Chorus teacher reports that Younger Son is refusing to pick out a tux on his own from the closet. Instead, help him to pick out the best fitting jacket and non-“flood” pants, and realize– with a pang of tenderness– that in a few short years he will hopefully be relying on a wife to help him get dressed.

6: Trust Fate to punish Son better than Mom can. He forgot to complete his homework, so he threw his head back in frustration and hit the desk behind him. Goose-egg started to emerge, so he went to the office to seek out the school nurse. I just happened to be in the office, while on my break, so he had to tell me the whole story. Wounded head, wounded pride, smirking Mother– awesome!

7: When the appeal to logic fails, resort to making him feel guilty. When this old trick you learned from your mom fails, resort to bringing in His Father. One bellow from His Father, and Son is penitent.

8.  While he fusses with his hair, his belt, his tie, all his “graduation day” clothes (purchased in the Men’s Department), keep telling yourself that you would rather have this than the little boy who never minded going to school with bed-head, rumpled tee-shirts, and questionable socks.

9. If I could have seen the LAST day, maybe the rest of the year would have been easier. Son made the honor roll, received a perfect attendance certificate, won a science award for “most inquisitive,” and made a short presentation in honor of the principal. Believe me, no one is as surprised as I am about this “happy ending!”

1.”Aw, look at how sweet he looks when he is sound asleep and all rolled up in the covers.  I wonder if he would wake up if I slammed a few drawers or opened the blinds or just sang out loud as I dressed?”

2.  “Oh, I should let him sleep in.  Remember all those years when I was a stay-at-home mom and I could sleep in while he got out of bed and trudged off to work?”

3. “Oh my God, get real, Girl.  We had three kids, so I never slept in.  Those little buggers were a handful! Motherhood is a 24/7 job!”

4. “Well, Husband is the primary breadwinner by far, so he deserves his rest.”

5.”On the other hand, women live longer than men, so he needs to stop wasting his life away and get up and seize the day.”

6. “He has been doing lots of re-modeling tasks around the house, so he is probably all worn out.”

7. “Then again, he has been re-modeling the bathroom for months now, so he needs to finish this up and start on the spring yard-work.”

8. “Do you suppose dinner will be ready for me when I come home from work? There’s a first time for everything.”

9. “I have to go to work today because it’s a make-up day due to the snow we received several weeks ago, courtesy of Mother Nature.  Husband is at home today because it’s a federal holiday established years ago, courtesy of the Founding Fathers.  Is it irony or is Fate weirdly sexist here?”

10. “I do have the summer months off, and Husband does not.  Must remember to gloat about that when June rolls around.”

 

 

1. I no longer hear the shouts and the laughter coming from the neighborhood kids as they play in the snow, because that made me wistful about the days I had to stuff my offspring into snow pants and find matching mittens and get out the sleds and make hot chocolate and then deal with piles of wet clothing. 
2. I  caught up on my sleep, so I am ready for the challenges of the job.
3. We put away all the holiday decorations, so I can come home to a less cluttered house.
4. We finished all the Christmas cookies, so now the lunch I packed is much more healthy.
5. We didn’t finish all the Christmas candy, so at least I have a piece of dark chocolate to look forward to this afternoon.
6. My students seem more relaxed and friendlier.
7. I cannot listen to NPR while at work, so I cannot hear all the latest news while at work, so at least my blood pressure can return to normal for part of the day.
8. I am no longer readily available to my offspring, who texted me repeatedly with questions about job applications and cell phone replacement.
9. It’s easier to add steps to my pedometer when I have to walk down long hallways.
10. The tax papers accumulating on the dining room table are out of sight, out of mind.
11. I get paid for working, not for staying home. Sigh.

WHICH PAWINSKI-PERICAK FAMILY MEMBER ARE YOU?

 

Take the quiz below to find out which family member is most similar to you!

 

1. It’s March 17, 2016.  How are you spending the day?

 

1. Working, because someone has to make the money to pay the college tuition bills.
2. Working, because someone has to make the money to pay for vacations and graduation gifts.
3. Studying, because you need to earn a degree so you can save the planet. Or at least so you can get a job so you can pay off your grad school loans.
4. At your internship with Richmond CenterStage, where you are expanding your knowledge about professional video production by shooting, editing, exporting, and posting various videos for the Dominion Arts Center.
5. Since you are a member of the Christopher Newport University Marching Captains, you are playing your snare drum in the St. Patrick’s Day Parade in Dublin, Ireland, in front of half a million people.

 

2. It’s the second weekend of May 2016.  How are you spending it?

1. Beaming with pride about your offspring.
2. Crying because some of the graduation ceremonies of your son and of your daughter are at the exact same time and it’s a 2 ½ hour drive between the campuses and you cannot be at both but at least you get to see parts of both and ohmygoodness I am still crying because my babies are so talented and I am so proud.
3. Attending your commencement ceremonies at Duke University, where you are conferred the Master of Environmental Management degree. And listening to Coach K give a commencement speech, which sounded sortof like he improvised it.
4. Attending your commencement ceremonies at Virginia Commonwealth University’s School of the Arts, where you are conferred the Bachelor of Fine Arts degree. And thinking about how on earth you’re ever going to make a real career out of a major in Sculpture and Extended Media. (Answer: resort to Video Production instead.)
5. Being the designated driver.

 

3.  You have a long weekend free of all obligation. How will you pass the time?

1. Attending the 100th running of the Indianapolis 500, or maybe enjoying the cars at Virginia International Raceway.
2. Wine tasting, beer tasting, mead tasting, cider tasting, with a museum visit here and there, and maybe a stop at a historic home or a botanical garden, and then an overnight at a charming bed and breakfast—in Delaware, in Pennsylvania, in coastal Virginia—with your obliging husband.
3. “Emily, we could go hang out with friends… Or we could go to that new brewery, and then come home and play video games.”
4. Attending as many concerts as possible at night, and searching for real “mother-approved” jobs during the day (between naps).
5. Avoiding responsibilities with the excuse of: “Just one more game of Rocket League; I swear it’s almost over.”

 

4.  You want to do something sweet for your significant other.  What do you do?

1. Remodel her bathroom from top to bottom.
2. Spend weeks online looking for the perfect car for him—a blue 2016 Mustang—and then finding a way for its purchase to fit into the family budget.
3. Wake up early to feed Mr. Steve Bojangles, the annoying but lovable cat that likes to meow loudly directly in your ears promptly at 6:45 each morning.
4. Pay for the first round at a pub in Southampton, England, because you are finally visiting the UK again, this time to meet your boyfriend’s friends and family and to make a few side trips to London and Oxford.
5. Still working on finding that special lady.

 

5. The Cubs fought a hard battle to win the 2016 World Series.  How did you react?

1. It’s about time!  They have broken your heart for decades.
2. You drank whiskey.  This was too stressful to watch.
3. “It has been zero years since the Cubs won the World Series!” The nightly Manhattans in honor of your grandfather must have done the trick.
4. “Yay! Just wish my Grandfather were here to see it.”
5. Everyone on campus was watching.  Even though the roommate had the game on, you were busy with homework until–OH MY GOD THEY ARE IN THE LEAD AGAIN!

 

 

6. What’s your favorite beverage? Caveat: it must be alcoholic.

1. Whiskey that comes out of your own mini-barrel.
2. Polish vodka.
3. “It’s this really great apricot saison ale made by a brewery you’ve never heard of in Durham, North Carolina.”
4. Blue Bee Cider made in Richmond, Virginia, mostly because you get an employee discount.
5. Guinness, since you toured the headquarters in Dublin.

 

7. How are you earning the money you need to buy Christmas presents?

1. By working for the US Army for 30 years.
2. From your part-time job at the high school.
3. LPT: It’s amazingly easy to get a job at the University from which you were just graduated. (Follow us @DukeSciPol)!
4. Working as a bartender at Blue Bee and scoring gigs as a freelance video producer for companies such as Anheuser-Busch.
5. There’s still a little cash left from your summer job as a camp counselor.

 

8. Are you hoping for a White Christmas?

1. Nope, because you don’t want to deal with shoveling snow.
2. Yes, bring it on!  In fact, the more snow the better, because you would love a few extra days with the family all snuggled under one roof.
3. “I mean, I love snow, but then the climate change deniers won’t shut up about how one cold snap is all the evidence necessary that this is all just a ‘hoax.’”
4. “As long as I know it’s coming, so I can be prepared. Do you know how fast shovels sold out in Richmond last year when it snowed? I had to dig out my car with a trash can lid.”
5. Yes. That way, you have an excuse to slide your car around every corner and not leave skid marks and annoy the neighbors with the screeching of tire squeal.

 

****************************************************************************************************************************

 ANSWER KEY:

If you answered mostly “1”: Congratulations!  You are CHRIS.  You are solid, dependable, hard-working, yet you know you deserve something for your sacrifices, so you do enjoy the finer things, like sports cars and aged bourbon.  You are not always patient with societal trends,  like “selfies,”  iphones, Facebook, Twitter, etc., etc.

If you answered mostly “2”: Congratulations!  You are MONICA.  Although you appreciate the calmness of an empty nest, you miss your  children horribly and look for excuses to visit their current towns whenever possible. You enjoy societal trends, like “selfies,” iphones, Facebook,Twitter, etc., etc. You like to be in charge of everyone’s lives, because you obviously have all the answers.

If you answered mostly “3”: Congratulations! You are ANDREW. You are loyal and devoted yet growing more cynical with time. You like to pretend you know more about craft beer than everybody else, and you have quickly become really affectionate toward cats despite telling yourself that it’s really Emily’s pet, not yours. (Just kidding, it’s really your pet, too.)

If you answered mostly “4”: Congratulations!  You are MADDIE. You are trying to get by with working various odd jobs from your bucket list. You are also starting off your career as a freelance video producer and working your way to your dream job: Becoming a music video editor. (Or, at this point, any job involving video production.) You are scared yet excited for your new life as a post-grad, and welcome any opportunities that may fly your way.

If you answered mostly “5”: Congratulations!  You are PHILIP. You are a sophomore in college and still trying to figure out the perfect course of study for your diverse interests.  Although you enjoy playing the drums, producing electronic music, singing with two groups on campus, and driving… everyone home from the restaurant, you know that you can make a bigger contribution to the world by currently focusing on environmental studies. You have an encyclopedic knowledge of automobiles, and even though you’ve been a good boy this year, the only vehicle you are getting from Santa is a Hot Wheels car.

1. I opened the box of 148 Christmas cookies sent by my sister.  They needed refrigeration, right?  I just had to check.  And then I had to sample. They are delicious.

2. I ordered not one, but two containers of cookie dough from one of my students.  It’s a school fundraiser, so it’s for a good cause, right?  This was before the 148 cookies arrived.

3. Since I do the family bookkeeping, and since Husband ordered gifts online, I have already seen how much he has paid for my gifts.  And from whom he has ordered my gifts.  Surprise ruined.

4. Husband then got sneaky and used PayPal, so I could not determine from whom he bought the next gift.  But then the package arrived and I read the return address.  Surprise ruined.

5. Husband demanded to know if I read the return address.  (He knows me so well.)  I tried to avoid eye contact and tried to lie and tried to change the subject.  Supper conversation ruined.

6. I have returned one gift I purchased last week because Son already owns the item.  I need to ask before I buy, I suppose.   But then his surprise is ruined.

7. I waited until this week to look for Christmas stationery.  Nope.  Santa’s elves have cleared the shelves.

8. I bought a small white Christmas tree and one of those revolving wheels that projects 4 colors of light onto the tree.  My dad had one of those wheels and I was feeling nostalgic.  I was thinking it would look cute in the corner of the basement, to the left of the TV.  Now Husband wants to use this tree in place of our regular tree.  You know, the 8 foot GREEN one that stands in the living room.  Uh oh.  Negotiations are in progress.

9. I just today paid the entire bill for the upcoming semester that College Boy will begin in January.  Bank account looks paltry.  And yesterday I bought a bunch of gifts on Amazon.  Stupid move–should have done this in reverse.

10. My annual physical is scheduled for December 29.  That’s right, 4 days after Christmas.  The number on that scale is not going to be pretty. (Did I mention that I have been sampling cookies?)

1.  Graduate school was a good idea.  Graduate school will open doors.  Graduate school was worth the money.

2. Now that Son has his own medical and dental and vision insurance coverage, I can stop keeping track of his records, so freeing up additional time for stalking him on social media.

3. I am thankful that President Obama fought to extend health insurance coverage until our “dependents” hit the age of 26.  Son benefited greatly, especially when he was a full-time student with no income, and needed to spend an evening in the emergency room in downtown Washington.

4. He has a retirement fund.  This makes me happy, because he was obviously paying attention to my lectures about the wisdom of investing money from an early age.

5. He has a retirement fund.  This makes me sad, because that means my baby cannot escape the inevitability of aging.

6. Instead of carrying his school portraits in my wallet (in chronological order), I should probably carry his business card.

7. As a child, he enjoyed school.  As a young adult, he thrived at college.  And now he is employed by a university where he is again a contributor to academia.  I hope this means I have raised both a gentleman and a scholar.

8. He can afford to buy us gifts at Christmas.

9. Whew!  His father and I should be relieved.  This birdie has probably left the nest for good.

10. On the other hand, that’s only one kid down.  Two more to go…

11. 

 

1. Nancy Reagan is her least favorite First Lady, because of the terrible way she treated Roslyn Carter and because of her poor taste in china patterns.

2. She is eating a serving of yogurt every day now, because it helps her digestion.

3. Milk of magnesia is more effective than prune juice.

4. She has a profound hankering for a meal at the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet.

5. Her slip-on shoes are too pretty for her to wear outdoors in the snow and slush.

6. She is proud of the fact that although English is her second language, she still beats other residents during the home’s monthly spelling bee.

7. She is reading her fourth Danielle Steel novel, even though she doesn’t see the need for all the graphic depictions of sex.

8. Her preferred prize for winning BINGO is a travel-sized shampoo and conditioner set, and heavens, not a stuffed animal.

9. She trusts the media more than she trusts me. Mom: “Virginia and the states around you got alot of snow and ice? Are you certain? They didn’t show that on the news.”

10. She continues to blame Florida. Mom: “I just read an article written by President Bush’s wife.” Me: “Which Bush?” Mom: “The older one. The one that really was President.”