1. Both are Australian–the yogurt claims to be made in the Australian tradition, and Noosa is on the coast of northeastern Australia.
2. Both are treats–I treat myself to the yogurt at breakfast, and I treat my son to an all-expenses-paid weekend of fun.
3. Both cost a little bit more money than I would like to spend.
4. Both can be dangerous–one is dangerously full of fat and calories, and one is dangerously full of riptides and deep water.
5. Old and flabby and overweight people like me really shouldn’t be partaking of either one.
6. Both require the proper amount of “chilling” to be maximally enjoyable.
7. If left out too long in the heat, both the yogurt and the student surfers will acquire a revolting smell.
8. If left out too long in the sun, both the yogurt and the student surfers will acquire an unpleasant color.
9. Both offer the opportunity to find fun things on the bottom–the yogurt has fruit, and the beach has tidal pools full of corals and sponges.
10. Both will expose the users to “cultures”– the yogurt provides active organisms such  as probiotics, whereas the beach trip provides active international students such as Norwegian females.

1. All of his winter clothes, since it’s summer in the southern hemisphere now and since Brisbane has a sub-tropical climate, anyhow.
2. A bed that needed stripping.
3. Wet laundry in the washing machine.
4. Dry laundry that needed folding.  And putting away.
5. Several food items from his Christmas stocking that he never got around to eating. (Cherry chipotle jerky, anyone?)
6. Several bags of snacks that he bought and never got around to eating. (Lime and sea salt tortilla chips, anyone?)
7. Some dirty dishes under the couch in the TV area.
8. A tangled nest of cords from electronic devices, although he did box up stereo and computer components.
9. A dusty desk, visible now that the electronics are gone.
10. Wrappers from batteries and USB sticks and SD cards.
11. A credit card bill for airfare for the semester-break trip to New Zealand.
12. That cute little 4-inch-tall stuffed owl that he would tuck into his backpack whenever he went on vacation or camping with the Boy Scouts.
13. A Mommy who misses him terribly, and yet is thrilled that he has this opportunity. (Kleenex, anyone?)

1. At least Furloughed Husband (FH) can sleep in now and get over his jet lag.

2. Smaller income means a smaller income tax bill.

3. Smaller income means a smaller retirement fund means we will have to move in with one of our kids even sooner into our golden years than we expected!

4. We can borrow money from Gainfully Employed Son and so lessen his guilt about all the money he cost us by attending a private college.

5. FH now has time to complete many items on the Honey-Do list.

6. FH now has time to help Youngest Child with chemistry homework.

7. Fewer commutes to work = lower gas bill + bonus points for keeping the air around town cleaner.

8. My self-esteem is getting a big boost, since now I am the primary breadwinner.

 

   WANTED FOR BEING ON SANTA’S NAUGHTY LIST :

                             THE PAWINSKI-PERICAK GANG

 

CHRISTOPHER PERICAK

Aliases include: Chris, Dad, Chrissy Honey.

Last seen: Slaving over a hot computer keyboard, working to keep America free.

Also seen: In March, in Ottawa, Canada, working with our allies to keep America free.

Offenses include: Cursing while putting up Christmas lights; spending long hours working on his model railroad; listening to Mid-week Motorsports, The Week in IndyCar, and Dinner with Racers podcasts.

May be dangerous: Can drink several bourbon-spiked eggnogs in a row and still hold his own in a discussion.

 

MONICA PAWINSKI

Aliases include: Mom, Momma Monica, The General.

Last seen: Working at the high school in the mornings, wrapping Christmas gifts in the evenings.

Also seen: In April, in Bermuda, with partner-in-crime, Chris (see above).  Pair were observed frolicking in the ocean, spotting sea turtles, parasailing over the clear blue waters, drinking rum cocktails, exploring historic districts, dining al fresco, and watching practice runs of the sailboats in the 2017 America’s Cup.

Offenses include: Neglecting housework to instead spend weekends away from home (with Chris) visiting museums, fine restaurants, breweries, and wineries; finding ways to combine weekends away with visits to offspring.

May be dangerous:  Will stab white supremacists, misogynists, and anyone else disturbing the peace in her beloved Charlottesville with the crochet hook she uses to make pink hats for her friends.

 

ANDREW PERICAK

Aliases include: Ders, @andrewpericak on Twitter, the Principal Horn, Tired.

Last seen: In Durham, North Carolina, in an old textile warehouse         owned by Duke University, publishing science policy analyses to SciPol.org. Also leading local efforts to resist a certain “presidential” administration.

Also seen: A bit too frequently on Long Island, New York (known foolishly to locals as “Strong Island”), to visit partner Emily’s family or to attend her friends’ weddings.

Offenses include: Being overtly snobby about craft beer; talking to Emily too frequently about Sports; consuming an inhuman amount of biscuits and pimento cheese, sometimes simultaneously.

May be dangerous: Known ally, Lentil (a cat; also known as “Lil’ Lent” and “Jelly Belly”), has razor-sharp claws and deploys them with extreme prejudice. Including on her humans.

 

MADELINE PERICAK

Aliases include:  Maddie, Tasting Room Manager, “The Bartender”.

Last seen:  Giving facility tours, conducting private tastings, and pouring cider for visitors at Blue Bee Cider in Richmond, Virginia.

Also seen: In various cafes while editing videos for up-and-coming musicians; doing art-related side-projects in her studio aka apartment; attending club concerts in Washington, DC.

Offenses include: (Un)intentionally getting strangers tipsy; playing music too loudly at Blue Bee; valuing art over sleep; bragging about being a woman in a woman-led business; calling out people on their outdated political views.

May be dangerous: Can lift 40lb keg to throw at enemies.

 

PHILIP PERICAK

Aliases include: Phil, PHIL!, “The Beatboxer”.

Last seen: Studying intensively for final exams at Christopher Newport University; furiously filling out applications for study abroad in Australia.

Also seen: In May, hiking for 15 days on the Appalachian Trail in Virginia and Tennessee with classmates; winning the campus acapella/beatbox battle; locked away in his hideout producing electronic dance music.

Offenses include:  Drumming too loudly; beatboxing during tests; spending weeknights driving around Virginia Beach; going broke from buying HotWheels cars (how old is he now?).               

May be dangerous:  Highly active on four hours of sleep a night;      carries two metal, pointed hiking poles; makes strange and confusing noises with his mouth.

1. “Did your daughter take her boyfriend to see Chicago? No? How can you come to America and not see Chicago? Oh, she took him to Washington? Oh, I suppose that’s probably considered an important city since it is the capital and all that.”

2. “Is her boyfriend Catholic? Yes? Oh, I am so glad. It’s better to be Catholic.”

3. “The parish sent over people today with Holy Communion. My friends say we have to pay them for that next time they come.”

4. “Oh, so the girlfriend and the boyfriend both liked the barszcz (Polish beet root soup) you made for them? They must have been hungry, because people will eat anything if they are hungry enough.”

1. No one was wearing a headband with construction-paper feathers, nor a cardboard Pilgrim hat with an over-sized “buckle”, nor a macaroni necklace.
2. And those numerous place-mats each child brought home from elementary school?  You know, where they made turkeys out of the outlines of their little hands? Yes, of course I still have them in a box somewhere, but we used a real tablecloth instead.
3. When I started singing “Any Turkey Can Tango”–just the cutest little turkey-themed ditty ever, trust me–no one joined in.
4. Taste buds have matured, so I added mushrooms to a few dishes and I used “exotic” spices like ginger and nutmeg in the pumpkin pie.
5. I demanded assistance with cooking, because now my offspring are old enough to be careful with hot ovens and knives. No salve was needed, no blood was shed.
6. I demanded assistance with clean-up, since now I can trust my offspring to dry the crystal stemware without dropping any. (Husband, however, is another story.  He broke one of my cordial glasses.)
7. We watched the Macy’s Parade in surround-sound and in high-definition on a big-ass TV screen.
8. While watching the parade, some family members provided rude and irreverent commentary about the balloons and the performers and the floats.  (OK, so the lip-syncing was pretty bad, but don’t go dissing the Pillsbury Doughboy!)
9. Oldest Son was not with us, but instead was celebrating 400 miles away with the lovely family of his lovely significant-other.
10. No one was interested in perusing the Black Friday circular from Toys R Us.
11. The cider we enjoyed with our dessert was not the type of cider you can legally offer to kids.  Cheers!

1. Items Mama won at BINGO games at the nursing home.  (Sometimes the prize is a nickel, or a bottle of 7-Up.  The other day she won a small package of crackers and a Hershey bar, and she insisted that I take both of them.)
2. Items that have gone missing from Mama’s room. (“You better take put these crackers and this Hershey bar in your purse now, because if the nurses see them, they will take them.”)
3. Female residents of the home who do not wear bras. (“Their breasts just hang there in front of them, like droopy old bags.”)
4. The current ripped jeans fashion trend. (“And here’s my granddaughter to visit me.  She’s wearing a nice purple top, but her jeans?  Full of holes!  Big, gaping holes.  It’s disrespectful to me, really it is, when she shows up dressed like that.”)
5. My fashion choices. (“Isn’t that scarf too shiny?”)
6. The adaptability of my fashion choices. (“Why are you wearing short sleeves in November?” “Because, Mama, you keep your room way too warm for me.” “Oh no, it’s just right in here.  Put your long-sleeved sweater back on. It looks better.”)
7. The accuracy of the lunch tab. (“Did the waitress charge you the right amount for my soup?”)
8. The affordability of the lunch tab. (“Do you have enough money to pay for my lunch?” “Yes, Mama, I have enough.” “Because you just spent all that money on airfare.” “Really, Mama, I insist.”)
9. The palatability of the Greek food I ordered for my lunch at the diner.  (“It’s pastichio, Mama, kind of a Greek-style lasagna.” “I wouldn’t eat it.”)
10. The palatability of the liver and onions Mama ordered for her lunch. (“I enjoyed that meal.  Liver is good for you.  I feel stronger already.”)
11. The innate ability of males to fix household items. (“The umbrella is broken.” “Oh, let’s see if there’s a man around to fix it.” “Mama, I don’t need a man to tell me that this umbrella cannot be fixed. I am just going to get another one at Dollar General.” “No, wait, maybe we can find a man to look at it.”)
12. The abundance of retail stores. (“Park near here, by the Kohl’s sign.”  “Mama, that’s just the sign.  The actual Kohl’s is further back.” “Are you sure? I think the Kohl’s is here.” “No, look, there it is, toward the back of the parking lot.” “Well, they must have two Kohl’s in this shopping center. It is a popular store, you know.”)
13. My ability to be a grown-up. (“Is there enough gas in the tank?” and “Are you going the right way to the restaurant?” and “Did you lock the car?” and “Did you remember to take your purse?”)
14. My ability to be a grown-up who travels. (“Just don’t fall asleep at the gate and miss your flight,” and “Are you sure your husband knows when to pick you up from the airport?”)
15. The necessity of a happy ending to every story. (“He doesn’t love her enough.  He’s going to let her go without a fight.” “Mama, it’s a Christmas movie on the Hallmark Channel.  They are going to reconcile and live happily ever after.”)
16. The necessity of fulfilling responsibilities. (“I know you have a job and a husband and children back in Virginia.  I know you need to go back, but I wish you could stay with me.”)

1. He carries no cash at all in his wallet.  None.  Zippo.
2. He doesn’t trust the washing machines on campus, which explains why he brought home all his dirty black tee-shirts which he laundered with our machine and our detergent and our fabric softener.
3. Right before break, he changed the sheets on his bed.  For the first time all semester.
4. His roommate has yet to change his sheets.
5. The framed posters that were so difficult to transport on move-in day?  Still leaning against a wall in his room.
6. He has given up eating dessert, and instead is adding calories via protein shakes.
7. The only meal he ever prepares in the well-equipped-by-Mom kitchen of his on-campus apartment is breakfast.  And breakfast is always a bowl of cereal.
8. He wants to find a job over winter break, because he doesn’t want to be a drain on his parents’ financial assets.
9. He wants to spend next semester abroad, because he sometimes doesn’t mind being a drain on his parents’ financial assets.
10. He doesn’t fear being seen at Toys R Us with his mother, as long as we stay in the aisle with the Hot Wheels and other collectible cars.
11. He apparently has friends who like to tease him with gag gifts like “poop emoji” hats.
12. He apparently has sense enough to know that “poop emoji” hats are ridiculous, and are best left on the floor of a closet at home, where Mom can discover said hat and get a good solid laugh.

1. We select a jumbo-sized bag of Halloween candy that does NOT include any of Husband’s favorites, because that candy needs to last until the Trick-or-Treaters come.
2. Even though Husband swears his pumpkin-carving days are behind him now that the children are grown, he helps me choose a jumbo-sized pumpkin with plenty of smooth surface area.
3. I play the role of dainty wife and coquettishly ask Husband to push the cart because he is so much stronger than I am.
4. Husband deliberates the best way to arrange bulky paper products in the cart.
5. Husband rolls his eyes when I carefully inspect the eggs inside the carton.
6. Husband re-arranges all the paper products yet again, since he now has to accommodate the fragile eggs.
7. Husband dutifully picks out the best roasted chicken, and offers no complaints about roasted chicken for tonight’s supper.
8. After adding several cases of beverages to the cart, Husband once again re-arranges all the contents with mathematical precision.
9. Husband selects a two-year supply of toothbrushes, because why not?  It’s not like toothbrushes are going to go stale.
10. Husband wanders off to look at sparkly Christmas lights.
11. Husband grumbles that once our items are on the cash register belt, he will never be able to put them back in the cart the same way.
12. Competent cashier does not even remove most of our items from the cart, so Husband is satisfied.
13. Upon arrival at our car, Husband segregates groceries into categories, so that soap products will not touch the produce items during the five minute drive home.
14. Husband packs the trunk with mathematical precision.
15. I plop the pumpkin in one back seat and toss the bread products onto the other seat.
16. I secure the egg carton in a blanket.
17. Husband warns me that before we can eat the chicken, everything must be unpacked and put away.
18. While Beloved Husband hauls all the paper products and beverage bottles to our downstairs storage area in multiple trips, I make sure the eggs are safely placed inside the refrigerator.  Then I secretly begin to nibble on the chicken.

1. Due to our society’s growing thirst for high-quality libations, the craft beverage business is booming, which means Daughter is receiving promotions and pay raises.  (And benefits.  Love those benefits! Always grateful for a job with benefits!)
2. Due to our society’s growing thirst for high-quality libations, the craft beverage business is booming, and now Daughter is gaining lots of management experience, so she will probably always be able to get a job in this industry.  (Thank you to all of you out there who visit local wineries, breweries, distilleries, and such.  You know who you are.  Cheers!)
3. Daughter gets free tastings when she visits other craft beverage establishments.  A professional courtesy, apparently.  And some of these fine places even give a free tasting to the person with her, which often happens to be me.
4. Going to other craft beverage establishments with Daughter takes on a whole new layer of enjoyment, since her ever-sensitive palate allows her to point out new flavors to me.  (OK, I admit, it always tastes even better when it’s free of charge.)
5. Daughter, by necessity, now holds an ABC license,  so she tacitly keepsher parents  her father in check.
6. She meets lovely customers every day, whether she is giving them a tour or pouring them a tasting or a full flight. Because, let’s face it, it’s a cidery, and people go there with the intention of getting relaxed and happy.  (And the more relaxed and happy they are, the better they tip.)
7. Cidery employees get to sample the goods for free.  And often get free leftovers from the food trucks.
8. Business attire is not required.
9. The cidery is only a 75 minute drive from our home, and the cidery is located near museums and breweries and restaurants, so it’s easy to invent an excuse as to why her father and I “just happen” to be in the neighborhood, and “just happen” to be craving cider.  Because, you know, we miss our baby girl.
10. Daughter knows more about apples than anyone else in the entire family and our circle of friends.  And considering how she refused to eat apples through all of middle and high school, this makes me chuckle.
11. I can now call her and ask for a recommendation about the best beverage to serve with dinner.
12. Instead of yet another scented candle or box of tea or bottle of bubble bath, I now get cider for Mother’s Day and for my birthday.  And hopefully, for Christmas, too.
13. Cider is delicious.