1. My parents obviously believed that pregnancy was not to be discussed with children, so I was totally caught off guard when my dad informed me that I had become a big sister overnight.
2. My dad actually came home from the hospital to get me ready for school. ( I was a first grader.)  He threw open the blinds and turned on all the lights in my bedroom, whereas my mom would always wake me with a kiss and a gentle shake.  I was quite peeved with his failure to follow morning protocol.
3. When my dad finally told me I had a baby sister, I jumped out of bed and onto the bed.  I jumped and jumped.  This was such exciting news.
4. I couldn’t wait for my mom and my sister to return home from the hospital.  I filled every vase in the house with asters from my mom’s flower bed.  The florist delivered a huge arrangement of pink roses, but I am certain that the quantity of asters was more impressive than the quality of those roses.
5. Several days later, I started to miss my status as only-child-center-of-everyone’s-universe, and I told my parents to send my sister back to where she came from.
6. I may have been 6, but I wasn’t that ignorant.  I knew the stork really didn’t deliver my sister, and I pleaded with my mom to tell me the details of how my sister came out.  My mom staunchly refused to tell me anything.  We didn’t have the mother-daughter talk about how babies are born until I was in high school.  And I am still waiting for the mother-daughter talk about how babies are made.
7. I was jealous of my sister’s big blue eyes.  (And yes, I still am.) But the fine hair on her head was dark, to my delight, so ensuring that I would be the only one in our nuclear family with that much-desired and far-superior blonde hair.
8. But then I realized that I WAS the only one in the family with blonde hair.  My sister’s coloring matched my mom’s, while my hair and eyes matched no one’s!  Oh my God, I was probably adopted.
9. Since we were six years apart in age, I quickly recognized that Sister wasn’t ever really going to be a playmate.  But no matter–instead, I could be her protector, her provider of entertainment, and her boss.  (And yes, old habits die hard.  I am still her boss.)
10. My mom had been given a slightly-creepy statue of St. Gerard as a baby shower gift.  (St. Gerard is the patron saint of pregnant women, which baffles me–were there no female saints available for this job?)  Once Mom tucked the statue into a drawer and off the dresser, I realized that this happy and healthy blessing of a baby was here to stay.
11. None of the gifts coming to the house were for me.  Not a single one.  But now I know that my baby sister, Sophie, was far and away the best, most precious Christmas gift my parents ever gave me.  (Do the math–count back 9 months.)  (HAPPY 50th BIRTHDAY, SOPHIE!)

 

1. Since I was told to plan for the worst, my pantry has been re-stocked and re-organized.
2. That troublesome leaky spot on the basement wall that I have been nagging Husband about for a while now?  He fixed it.
3. College Boy was given orders to evacuate campus, since the university is close to the coast, so we get to enjoy his company at home for several days.  It remains to be seen whether he will enjoy OUR company, especially if the internet goes out.
4. On the way home, College Boy stopped to visit his sister, and they had their own version of a “Hurricane Party,” apparently.  Hey, any kind of sibling bonding is a good thing.
5. I read that every “hurricane kit” should contain some comfort food, so I felt justified in bringing home lots of chocolate and other treats, all in Happy Halloween packaging.
6. Gainfully Employed Son in central North Carolina is riding out the storm with his Significant Other and her two cats.  This experience is good for a relationship, since each one can see how the other makes emergency plans and handles stressful situations.  (Bless your heart, dear Emily, for taking care of my boy.)
7. Even though my baby sister’s Golden Birthday/Girls’ Weekend Away in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, is officially cancelled, I know she will always remember that the many hours I spent planning all the details and activities are a testament to how much I cherish her.
8. I have learned some new science phrases, like “wind shear” and “sea level pressure” so I feel smarter.
9.  Power outages?  No problem–I like my brandy at room temperature and by candlelight. And I got plenty of brandy.

1. “Aren’t you showing too much cleavage in that blouse?”
2.  (Pointing to my red-orange purse.) “You picked out that purse?  You don’t like beige?”
3. “The Chinese buffet is the best place to eat in town.  Everyone can pick whatever they like and eat as much as they like.”
4. (A few hours later…) “The Chinese buffet wasn’t very good today.  Maybe because it’s Thursday.  The best cooks probably work on Sundays.”
5. “Your husband has lost weight.  He looks good.”
6. “It’s so good that your daughter isn’t fat.”
7. “You and your sister are too fat.”
8. “Did you get enough to eat? That salad has no meat on it.”
9. “I hope your daughter finds a nice man to marry soon.  Because you know, in another three years, her looks will be gone.”
10. (Brushing my bangs off my forehead.) “I know your hair is bothering you. I can just tell it’s bothering you. You should wear your bangs like I do, off to the side.”
11. (Brushing her hand across the top of my chest.) “There are too many designs on your blouse.”
12. (Brushing her hand under my eyebrows.) “Your makeup has too many sparkles in it.”
13. (Pointing to my hands.) “You like that nail polish color?”
14. (Referring to granddaughters.) “Why do they wear jeans with holes and rips in them when they come to visit me?  They show me no respect when they come dressed like that.”
15. “I keep my mouth closed and covered when I go outside, because wind is bad for the heart.”
16. (Pointing at me.) “You’re wearing too summer-y of an outfit.”
17. “Why are all these women reporters on TV wearing dresses with no sleeves? It’s an ugly fashion trend.”
18. (As I was getting ready to walk across the street to the Dunkin Donuts for a coffee.) “Watch out when you cross the street. Look both ways.”
19. “I heard on the news that if you drink coffee, you will live for a very long time.  I am drinking more coffee now.”

1. How could that skink have possibly gotten into the house?  Did I let it in when I came home from work?  No, wait–Husband was the one preparing the grill and leaving the door to the deck wide open.  It’s all Husband’s fault.
2. Had I not been shrieking in the next room, I suppose I could have used my phone to film Husband–on his hands and knees and wielding a broom– trying to coax the skink out from under the dining room table.  Hilarious, right?  Damn skink got away.  Again, it’s all Husband’s fault.
3. Skinks are fascinating examples of the wonders of God’s creation–when the skinks are outside in the driveway.  When they enter my house, skinks become nasty creepy crawlie critters that need to leave immediately.
4. Skink is probably a male.  A female skink would be doing the skink-equivalent of stopping to ask for directions: she would come in the middle of the room, and wait for us to gently catch her and guide her back outside.  Male skink is hiding somewhere,  too proud to admit he’s lost.
5. Skink is probably hiding in the dishwasher, and I won’t discover this fact until after I run the dishwasher, at which point it will be too late to save him, and I will have skink guts all over my cups and plates and utensils.
6. Skink is probably hiding in my box of biscotti.  Or my box of granola bars.  Or in that open bag of pretzels.  Do I now want to reach for a biscotto or a granola bar or some pretzels?  This may be the best motivation–ever–to stay on a diet.
7. Skink is probably hiding under our bed.  And I will probably step on him when I get up to pee in the middle of the night.  This may be bad news for my bladder.
8. Skink is probably hiding in the damp bathroom, and he will run across my naked foot while I am in the shower.  I remember how the movie, Psycho, freaked me out for weeks.  This would be even worse.  I may never bathe again.
9. Skink is probably hiding in my purse.  When I get to work, what if the skink comes out of my purse and runs across my desk?  Will my students notice?  Will I scream?  Jump out of my chair?  Jump on top of the chair?  And will any of my students be alert enough to film this on a phone?  Oh my gosh, and then post this on Youtube? The horror, the horror!
10. Skink is probably hiding inside one of the many boxes full of College Boy’s dorm supplies.  College Boy will probably find the skink when he unpacks these boxes in August.
11. Skink is probably hiding in Gainfully Employed Daughter’s former bedroom.  Remember how ET–in the movie– hid among the stuffed animals?  What if the skink is posing amid all the horse figurines that remain on Daughter’s shelf?  It could happen.
12. Maybe we need to invite Gainfully Employed Son to come to visit for the weekend–and insist that he bring along his cat.  And maybe the cat can find the skink.
13. If that freaking skink insists upon staying in my house, he had better be useful and eat all the spiders and crickets that may come in from the rain.
14. Do I even know what skink poop looks like?
15.  “Leaping lizards!”  Why is that an exclamation in the English language? Could it be because lizards actually leap? So that means that skinks can leap?  Oh, crap.

 

1.  From the moment we saw her, we fell in love with her.
2. She greeted us warmly and sincerely, and made us feel like we had known her all her life.
3.  Happily, she didn’t look like our last several guides at similar establishments–those guys had flannel shirts and beards.
4. She was witty, and she spoke clearly and with authority, a reflection of the accomplished woman she no doubt is.
5. And her voice was animated and carried well.  She probably learned all this from a female role model, like her mom.
6. Our guide was knowledgeable about all aspects of this small business, and she answered all our questions.  Her passion for cider was evident. She likely grew up in a family that appreciated fine alcohol.
7. Our tour was enhanced by the guide’s grace, poise, intelligence, and beauty. What a great asset for this company!
8. We want our daughter to grow up to be just like our tour guide.  In fact, we would be happy to have our tour guide come spend every major holiday at our home.
9. We loved the final part of our tour: the sampling!  My husband later claimed that she seemed to pour us bigger samples than she poured for the others, almost as if we were her favorite customers.
10. She was a natural in the tasting room.  She described the bouquets and flavors so well–she must have been raised by foodie parents, and was probably a discriminating eater as a child.
11. The effervescence of the cider matched her effervescent personality.
12. Throughout the tour and sampling session, our guide exuded competence as well as kindness–we would want someone like her to take care of us in our old age.
13. She even offered us a family discount on the cider we purchased.
14. We would highly recommend this tour–and this tour guide–to everyone.

1. You lucky S.O.B.  Two weeks of semester break is unheard of back home in Virginia.
2. You do realize, right, that your credit card is linked to Dad’s, and that we see every transaction?
3. We are just going to assume that all the credit card transactions from “pubs” and “taverns” and “bars” are not just for alcohol purchases.  Surely they include meals as well, right?
4. We are living vicariously through you, so you had better post those photos from your trips to New Zealand and to Melbourne as soon as possible.
5. Did you honestly think that Dad, who makes a living studying helicopters and such, would not happily give you the money for a flight down to a glacier?  He cannot wait to see photos of that chopper, by the way, as soon as possible.
6. How’s your love life?
7. I cannot believe you ate kangaroo, yet again.  Seriously.
8. How come your siblings know more about your travels than I do?
9. So, you climbed a mountain in New Zealand all by your lonesome. Yes, I know you have done this before, but oh my God, you were all alone.  In a foreign country. What if something bad would have happened?  What if we never heard from you again?
10. So, you climbed a mountain in New Zealand all by your lonesome.  OK, so I admit that I also took off all by myself on more than one occasion when I was studying abroad.  I was stupid and reckless, I know, and my parents worried.  This is the almighty payback I get from karma, right?  Karma is such a bitch.
11. You are picking up traces of an Australian accent, especially when you pronounce the names of cities there.  It’s cute, for now.
12. Dad is so completely jealous of your two jet boat rides.  I will never understand you crazy men and the need for speed.
13. You went to an art gallery in Melbourne!  You went voluntarily!  I am so happy that you are doing what I love to do!
14. You ordered your first flight of beer!  At a microbrewery in Melbourne!  I am so happy that you are doing what I love to do!
15. I really hope that all these glorious natural wonders you have been seeing –like rain forests and glaciers and coral reefs and pristine mountain lakes–are still around when your children are college-aged.  Because I want you to use your education to save the world, because I eventually do want grandchildren, and because I expect you to pay it forward and send them to study abroad.

1. Both are Australian–the yogurt claims to be made in the Australian tradition, and Noosa is on the coast of northeastern Australia.
2. Both are treats–I treat myself to the yogurt at breakfast, and I treat my son to an all-expenses-paid weekend of fun.
3. Both cost a little bit more money than I would like to spend.
4. Both can be dangerous–one is dangerously full of fat and calories, and one is dangerously full of riptides and deep water.
5. Old and flabby and overweight people like me really shouldn’t be partaking of either one.
6. Both require the proper amount of “chilling” to be maximally enjoyable.
7. If left out too long in the heat, both the yogurt and the student surfers will acquire a revolting smell.
8. If left out too long in the sun, both the yogurt and the student surfers will acquire an unpleasant color.
9. Both offer the opportunity to find fun things on the bottom–the yogurt has fruit, and the beach has tidal pools full of corals and sponges.
10. Both will expose the users to “cultures”– the yogurt provides active organisms such  as probiotics, whereas the beach trip provides active international students such as Norwegian females.

1. All of his winter clothes, since it’s summer in the southern hemisphere now and since Brisbane has a sub-tropical climate, anyhow.
2. A bed that needed stripping.
3. Wet laundry in the washing machine.
4. Dry laundry that needed folding.  And putting away.
5. Several food items from his Christmas stocking that he never got around to eating. (Cherry chipotle jerky, anyone?)
6. Several bags of snacks that he bought and never got around to eating. (Lime and sea salt tortilla chips, anyone?)
7. Some dirty dishes under the couch in the TV area.
8. A tangled nest of cords from electronic devices, although he did box up stereo and computer components.
9. A dusty desk, visible now that the electronics are gone.
10. Wrappers from batteries and USB sticks and SD cards.
11. A credit card bill for airfare for the semester-break trip to New Zealand.
12. That cute little 4-inch-tall stuffed owl that he would tuck into his backpack whenever he went on vacation or camping with the Boy Scouts.
13. A Mommy who misses him terribly, and yet is thrilled that he has this opportunity. (Kleenex, anyone?)

1. At least Furloughed Husband (FH) can sleep in now and get over his jet lag.

2. Smaller income means a smaller income tax bill.

3. Smaller income means a smaller retirement fund means we will have to move in with one of our kids even sooner into our golden years than we expected!

4. We can borrow money from Gainfully Employed Son and so lessen his guilt about all the money he cost us by attending a private college.

5. FH now has time to complete many items on the Honey-Do list.

6. FH now has time to help Youngest Child with chemistry homework.

7. Fewer commutes to work = lower gas bill + bonus points for keeping the air around town cleaner.

8. My self-esteem is getting a big boost, since now I am the primary breadwinner.

 

   WANTED FOR BEING ON SANTA’S NAUGHTY LIST :

                             THE PAWINSKI-PERICAK GANG

 

CHRISTOPHER PERICAK

Aliases include: Chris, Dad, Chrissy Honey.

Last seen: Slaving over a hot computer keyboard, working to keep America free.

Also seen: In March, in Ottawa, Canada, working with our allies to keep America free.

Offenses include: Cursing while putting up Christmas lights; spending long hours working on his model railroad; listening to Mid-week Motorsports, The Week in IndyCar, and Dinner with Racers podcasts.

May be dangerous: Can drink several bourbon-spiked eggnogs in a row and still hold his own in a discussion.

 

MONICA PAWINSKI

Aliases include: Mom, Momma Monica, The General.

Last seen: Working at the high school in the mornings, wrapping Christmas gifts in the evenings.

Also seen: In April, in Bermuda, with partner-in-crime, Chris (see above).  Pair were observed frolicking in the ocean, spotting sea turtles, parasailing over the clear blue waters, drinking rum cocktails, exploring historic districts, dining al fresco, and watching practice runs of the sailboats in the 2017 America’s Cup.

Offenses include: Neglecting housework to instead spend weekends away from home (with Chris) visiting museums, fine restaurants, breweries, and wineries; finding ways to combine weekends away with visits to offspring.

May be dangerous:  Will stab white supremacists, misogynists, and anyone else disturbing the peace in her beloved Charlottesville with the crochet hook she uses to make pink hats for her friends.

 

ANDREW PERICAK

Aliases include: Ders, @andrewpericak on Twitter, the Principal Horn, Tired.

Last seen: In Durham, North Carolina, in an old textile warehouse         owned by Duke University, publishing science policy analyses to SciPol.org. Also leading local efforts to resist a certain “presidential” administration.

Also seen: A bit too frequently on Long Island, New York (known foolishly to locals as “Strong Island”), to visit partner Emily’s family or to attend her friends’ weddings.

Offenses include: Being overtly snobby about craft beer; talking to Emily too frequently about Sports; consuming an inhuman amount of biscuits and pimento cheese, sometimes simultaneously.

May be dangerous: Known ally, Lentil (a cat; also known as “Lil’ Lent” and “Jelly Belly”), has razor-sharp claws and deploys them with extreme prejudice. Including on her humans.

 

MADELINE PERICAK

Aliases include:  Maddie, Tasting Room Manager, “The Bartender”.

Last seen:  Giving facility tours, conducting private tastings, and pouring cider for visitors at Blue Bee Cider in Richmond, Virginia.

Also seen: In various cafes while editing videos for up-and-coming musicians; doing art-related side-projects in her studio aka apartment; attending club concerts in Washington, DC.

Offenses include: (Un)intentionally getting strangers tipsy; playing music too loudly at Blue Bee; valuing art over sleep; bragging about being a woman in a woman-led business; calling out people on their outdated political views.

May be dangerous: Can lift 40lb keg to throw at enemies.

 

PHILIP PERICAK

Aliases include: Phil, PHIL!, “The Beatboxer”.

Last seen: Studying intensively for final exams at Christopher Newport University; furiously filling out applications for study abroad in Australia.

Also seen: In May, hiking for 15 days on the Appalachian Trail in Virginia and Tennessee with classmates; winning the campus acapella/beatbox battle; locked away in his hideout producing electronic dance music.

Offenses include:  Drumming too loudly; beatboxing during tests; spending weeknights driving around Virginia Beach; going broke from buying HotWheels cars (how old is he now?).               

May be dangerous:  Highly active on four hours of sleep a night;      carries two metal, pointed hiking poles; makes strange and confusing noises with his mouth.